Why are the Oscars still a thing?

UBL Oscar

I hate the Oscars. The Academy Awards is everything that is wrong with american culture summed up in one evening. It’s a night where  celebrities feel the need to pat themselves on the back for the outstanding job that they’ve been doing being famous and giving each other lots of money to play a role in a film and not be high or drunk on set all the time; or at least not to seem like it in the final cut. It’s a bunch of people wearing clothing that costs more than the average Americans home (or all the homes in Detroit). Basically a black tie members only circle jerk and Americans love to watch.

It starts at the Red Carpet; the media fawns over the actresses and their dresses like they’ve never seen a grown women before. All year long the media acts all surprised and confused that such a high percentage of women have so many issues with their own bodies yet they don’t see the irony on Oscar night.  Is it any surprise given that we spend the entire week after the academy awards being forced to focus on how women looks after she’s spent 24 hours and a few thousand dollars in makeup and hair and then slips into a dress that normal people can’t afford but these millionaires are given for free because, why the fuck not? And I do mean forced because the whole thing only ended a few hours ago and already the major news outlets, my social media feeds and everything else is flooded with the typical “who wore it best” and all the other Oscar fashion clichés. Men aren’t subject to this stupidity as much because A) A tuxedo is a Tuxedo no matter how you spin it and B) For some reason we are all delusional enough that whether we are ripped with single digit Body fat percentage or fifty pounds overweight we will all look at ourselves in the mirror when getting dressed in the morning, shrug, and say “Eh, not bad” (or at least I’m assuming that’s what everyone else does). Anyone can look like a superstar if they have dedicated hair and makeup people as well as a wardrobe where everything costs more than a used car and is tailor made. The only time it was ever that easy for me to get ready in the morning was in the military but only for lack of options. (He’s wearing this seasons Body Armor!)

Things only gets more gag worthy once you get inside the only word that comes to (my) mind the last time I watched the academy awards was Masturbatory. They are all bursting with excitement over what a wonderful job they have done; To be fair every industry has their own awards and such so you could say that this is no different but I think it is; Celebrities have become role models in our society and they certainly do beat you over the head with it. There is no shortage of celebrities doing wonderful things for the world, and, more importantly, telling you about them; anyone remember George Clooney Circa 2006? It’s a little annoying to listen to someone tell me how I should try to do more for the world standing there in a tuxedo that could feed an African village for a week in an auditorium of people who’s combined income outpaces most 3rd world countries.

Movies these days require less acting skills and more the ability to not get bored spitting lines at a green screen at imaginary characters. The people who deserve the awards are the techies who can make some movie palatable with decent effects and CGI. Do those people get awards? Of course! But not at the main event, they have their own “ceremony” earlier in the week, because gd forbid the celebrities should be forced to sit in the same room as the people who make their movies watchable.

And then came best picture; or, more specifically, American Sniper’s nomination for best picture. We all knew it wasn’t going to win. I still held out hope but I knew that the academy couldn’t possibly bring themselves to recognize a movie about a decorated American soldier. It’s the typical pattern; no one cares if a soldier is heroic, only if he’s heroic on the big screen (played by a big ticket actor of course). Don’t believe me? Two words: Lone Survivor.

Liberal media and liberal personalities got all butt hurt not only that American Sniper didn’t fall in line with their views on the Iraq war (Bush lied people died), but that it did so well at the box office and was recieved so well and got nominated for their holy of holies: Best picture. The book (and I’m guessing the movie because I have yet to see it) is a reflection of the sacrafices that one man made for his country and the realities of modern warfare but all they could see was that he didn’t shed a tear for every man that he had to kill. In their perfect world Selma would have been the headline grabber that made millions and affirmed that Americans the type of ‘enlightened’ that they should be but it wasn’t even nominated.

Chris Kyle has been a hero of mine ever since I first read his book and American Sniper may not have won, but anyone who knows the Oscar’s at all knows  it’s political bullshit anyway. The people responsible for the movie will somehow have to handle only making boatloads of money. Hope they can manage. I can only hope that at least one of those idiots in the auditorium is one of those anti-vaxxers and everyone will be sick soon.  All I have to say about the winner of best picture is: Where is Kanye when you need him?


One thought on “Why are the Oscars still a thing?

  1. Nailed it! Oh, I loved every word! Hate the Oscars for most of the reasons listed here, and found a few more reasons I hadn’t thought of but which are directly on point. Loved American Sniper (the book) and trying to get to the picture before it leaves town….yeah, like Swordfish (another of my favorite flicks) it doesn’t adhere to the Hollywood PC Bible so won’t be appreciated, lauded, awarded or given positive reviews. Tough $^%& — because the box office take speaks for its popularity.


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